Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
