Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
