Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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