fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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