do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
