please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I could make wine with my vomit
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
