apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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