I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
