You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
