Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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