fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
