3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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