Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
