I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dear god my vagina.
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