Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
