just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You were trust falling into bushes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
