Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
