So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
