I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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