Is it normal to miss your booty call?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
