The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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