It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
