i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
