Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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