just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize