clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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