by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
