I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
