M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
