I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize