I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
