the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Let's get the cat blown out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
