Can i not drive my cunt home
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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