My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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