Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
