I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
