Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
