Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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