He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
