My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The feeling are messing with the penis
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
