i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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