You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
