Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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