I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
