ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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