my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
