i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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