The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
