She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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