What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
