you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
