ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
