the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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