You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
