UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
